A little like scrambled eggs.

Or at least that's what my mind feels like! Jumbled. Cloudy. Overflown. I used to stand a lot taller than this, but as life has gotten harder, and busier, I've lost a lot of who I was in the daily grind of it all. Being 22 years old, A mom, and a wife. No one to blame but myself for my choices. This isn't a pity party. Nor would I ever want anyone to feel sorry for me. I, Shannon have made decisions and choices that have put me where I am today. Would I change it? No. Why? Because I have never struggled so hard, loved more, or tried harder in my life. For anything. And I am so proud of how far I have come. Some situations were thrown at me, some I chose. Sometimes I did give up, but sometimes I gave it my all. And that's life. God throws things in my path, to throw me off for a little while, but never anything too big for me to handle. Some days I feel strong. Like I could take on a million and one things. Realizing most of the time I tried, that I wasn't Super Woman. And I needed to slow down. Some days (most days lately), I think I can't take on much more than my daily tasks. People have told me that I can't do life alone. I know they are right. But how do I change? How can I let people in to help me heal? I know there are and have always been strong and very humble people in my life to help me when things are tough. But I tend to push people away who try to help. I know that I have caused damage to myself and others around me, because of this trait I posses. I know because of the trails I have gone through at an early age, I felt like I had to take on so much more for everyone. And never allowing myself to let others help me. Carrying the weight and heavy burdens of past and present problems of others. Thinking that if I didn't carry burdens, maybe no one could really truly love me. Yet thinking how unfair it would be if someone tried to carry or feel mine. I have only lived 22 years of life. My heart on the other hand, has done 40. I was put in situations that I had no control over, and I have put myself into situations where even though I made it, I still couldn't control it. After I had created the damage, I couldn't rewind time and fix what I had done. It's almost as if I am a glass cup that has been dropped. Every time picking up the pieces and gluing myself together again. But some pieces were lost. And no matter how I tried to glue that cup back together, if I filled it, it would never stay full.

Roots

It starts with a tiny seed that's planted deep in your heart. and its ugly, the ugliest thing you'll ever feel. You try to forget about it, thinking one day it'll just go away. But the longer you let it sit there, the more ugly it becomes and before you know it, that seed is now roots of the most terrible kind. It's wrapped around the very thing you thought you were. It has taken over your heart, mind, body, and soul. Everything you knew, you no longer know. And when you think your strong enough to leave, to stand up on your own you are reminded by the person who planted that deep seed. "No one is going to ever love you." So you sit, feeling those roots take the rest of what you thought you could be.

All I've Ever Wanted

All I've ever wanted. All I ever want for you. Is a sober life. My heart breaks as I watch you slowly kill yourself with this addiction. I can't help but be sad. I can't help but hurt for you. For us. For what's left of our family. I hate that we became so close the first two years. For us to lose our relationship, yet again. I saw you last night, Held your broken soul, and your bruised body, while you struggled to explain why. And all I could say to you was that I loved you, that I will always love you, that I am hurting for you. And the only reply I got from you... Was a blanket and hands over your face. You are dying, you are killing yourself. And after 25+ years of this. I've realized, I can't help you. And I'm not sure you can really help yourself. So, now I watch you, my dad, kill yourself. I'm sad. I'm so sad. That not one person, except yourself can change this. So I wait... Always loving, and never judging.

A little sight into my life

I CANNOT express to everyone the kind of hurt and sadness I am feeling as of right now! My heart is BROKE and my eyes have been opened! BLOOD is NOT thicker than water. And water runs dry quick! Over the last year I have had many struggles just like everyone else has. But, I think as I become older I am no longer blind to what people do.

As many of you may or may not know I grew up in a "broken" home. A place where love was far and few in-between. My dad, an alcoholic most my life, struggled on a daily bases with his addiction. I saw as a young girl things I shouldn't have seen. Heard things I shouldn't have heard. My mom on the other hand as I got older struggled with a drug addiction. While my dad became unaware of most things he cared about, so did my mom. Day to day it was a chore to love each other. The more their addiction took hold of their spirit and soul, the more they became vacant toward each other.

After I was put into foster care and my family split up. We were adopted by my now mom, Priscilla. What a wonderful and amazing soul. :)
I found different ways of dealing with my own demons in my life. Never turning to drugs or alcohol for comfort. I knew what they could do to me. I guess I was really at a loss for words when it came to people who were doing drugs. I put it off as a "Yeah, they can change if they really wanted to!" "They haven't tried hard enough." Judging all the while.

After nine years of not talking to my dad, I did. I called him on my 18th birthday. We met at a small cafe for breakfast. We sat and cried as he told me how beautiful I had become. How I looked so grown up, but still his baby girl. How proud of me he was. How sorry he was for hurting me as a kid. As the days and months passed we talked more and more about his change. About how he had been sober for 9 years! But that it would always be a struggle. I understood it would be, it was his out, his way of life for a long time. Until last year... Everything for the both of us changed. DRASTICALLY.


Over the course of our newly founded relationship, we would talk on a daily basis. Around September I hadn't heard from my dad for a couple weeks, I found it odd that he didn't call. I tried calling and texting. No reply. After much thought, I put it off as 'life gets busy and so it's nothing big'. Until I got a call from his girlfriend stating that he was doing okay physically. Random thing to say. I called back only to hear the thing I had dreaded the most!!!!! My dad had started drinking... My heart was broke, my chest felt heavy, and I had no words. I sobbed silently on the phone while I listened to him mumble all the thing I heard him say as a kid. The more he spoke, the more I became less sad, and more angry. Angry because HOW COULD HE DO SUCH A THING?!?! WHY??? I couldn't wrap my brain around what his thoughts were at the time. Why he would decide to just start up out of no where. I was frantic, and sick. I had to see my dad and tell him that I loved him, and that I was here. No matter what.
I guess I didn't realize the impact the visit we had effected me. I knew he would be drinking, but I was older now, I had dealt with my issues, what would be the big deal? My friend Cami took me to his house.
When I walked through the door I could smell the liquor. Like I had just walked into a night club. It was hot and thick. My heart started to pound as I started to remember all the things that hurt me when I was a kid. Tears started to stream from my eyes as my dad asked me "Can I drink in front of you?" His hands and body shook vigorously while he opened the can of beer. I tried hard to regain my composure. Still heart broken I sat in front of my dad. Me, being 21 years old trying to convince my 44 year old father this wasn't the way of life. It was almost impossible to talk to him while he was in the state of mind he was in. I pleaded with him to stop. He promised he had only been drinking for 2 weeks, and that it would be easy to stop.
After what seemed like a life time I could no longer stay, we said our goodbyes, I hugged and kissed him. As  Cami and I drove away I wondered if my dad doesn't get the help he needed, this time would he die? A few days later he checked himself into detox. I was beyond ecstatic! Still unable to sleep at night or stomach any kind of food, I went to see my dad. If he couldn't be strong for himself, I was making DAMN sure he had someone who could be. I walked into the building with my heart full of high hopes, ready to kick this addictions ass! :) We talked about why he started again. What made him not want to care anymore. Everything he was hurting over. The more I heard him talk, the more I wanted to leave. We made it a short visit. We hugged. Before I got into my car a talked to someone who told me my dad had been drinking for TWO years. My dad had lied yet again and I was so hurt. I blasted my music on the drive home. I bawled my eyes out. After a long road and many months later, I am happy to say my dad is clean. Doing much better. :)

But I come to everyone with much more sad news, someone else I love dearly has the same problem. Only his addiction? Drugs. I can't say that his family is taking it well. Everyone is hurt by him. Or by the things he's done. His heart is good. His intentions are NOT so good right now. He knows this. His family and friends know this.

Tonight I saw a lot about people that leave me heart broken. A lot of things were said to me that I can't even being to explain how they made me feel, other than, I am trying hard not to REALLY hard not to listen, and oh how I want more than ever to not hear.


Until I have something else to write about...
Love Everyone! The hurt, broken, and sad ones. The struggling, torn, and mad ones!
But don't ever allow someone to take away from you. :)

-Shannon

Hope

This is a blog I did two years ago...
Hopefully it'll help one of you that reads it. :)


There are a million things I want to get off my mind. But I don't know how to just say how I feel. Kinda stupid because this is just a blog.
I'm starting to realize that I have no clue what life is about. And the older I get the more I fear for this world. For the future of my son.
How can we live in a world that's so nasty and horrible. But when you sit and stare at all the beautiful things we have, be overwhelmed with joy because of all the amazing things? Makes no sense.
As for love, I really believe that love has lost it's meaning over time, we say "I love you" to make someone else feel better. Both times I have fallen in love, I really believed that it was love. But how can love be hurt? Or lies? How can love be planning a life with someone only to tell them, "Oh you know what... yea.. about that, Just kidding!" I swear the next time I fall in love, it's going to be amazing! I don't know why when we think positive things the outcome is almost always opposite. And when we think negative, it always turns out negative? I guess that just proves that we as humans, attract negative energy. Why does love have to be something we toss around like it's nothing. To get sex, or for that feel good moment with another? Why do we have to throw in the word "love"? Making love is far differant then having sex. You don't have to tell every girl or guy that you love them just to have sex with them for 2 or 3 weeks and leave. I don't think people who play these games understand that it kills the person they do it to. I have been told "I love you" by two men who I really was in love with. One planned to have a life with me. We planned a baby, a wedding. But I guess when things get a little crazy, you up and left. Which makes no sense what-so-ever. If you really love somone you love them through the good and bad. And you help eachother out.
And the other man? Who really knows how he feels. Seriously? I have no idea why he keeps dragging me along side of him through all of this and I just sit and wait for things to happen. I know he lies to me, and yet I sit waiting faithfully for him.
I guess that just makes me as stupid or more stupid then them. Because I sat and waited for them. Why do people wait even after they know they are being lied to? Stepped on?
I guess just proves saying "I love you" to someone keeps them there longer even after they step on you and hurt you.
I've always wanted a love that makes you feel good, Everyday! Like the love you find in a book, or hear in a song. Maybe you even see it on T.V. Fairytale love? I believe that's what it's called. Very few you find those who have stayed together, till they die. You know why those people stay together? Because they really loved that person they said "I love you" to. Simple right? But so complex at the same time. Love isn't just a feeling, or a thought. It's actions, words, it's everything you think of feel for that certin someone. How you treat them behind closed doors, how you love them when things get hard. How no matter what they look like, or say, or do at one point (besides cheating or lying all the time) you still love them. Because no matter what. You fell in love with that person. That's real love. Love that you can't put a word to, when love seems so small of a word to express how you feel. Believe me I have loved with my whole heart. With everything that I had at one point. When my heart felt like it was going to explode when I was with them. When I looked at that person, they had no flaws. Because they were perfect to me. You hear people say "Never leave the person you love, for the person you like, because the person you like will leave you for the person they love."
I think the hardest thing for me, is having to move on, even though you don't want to. When all you want is that one person. But what can you do? Hold on to their leg and have them drag you on? No, you have to move on, even when they are everything you have ever wanted. Easier said then done. Believe me I understand, just remember, you're beautiful, and life goes on. Sorta cheesy, but true.

"You never know what you have till it's gone."

Life Is Beautiful

"There are so many beautiful things have been given to us, to protect, from the earth and all its creatures, down to our bodies. To be able to find the confidence in our beauty is something that is within us. All we need to do is believe and never judge."