A little sight into my life

I CANNOT express to everyone the kind of hurt and sadness I am feeling as of right now! My heart is BROKE and my eyes have been opened! BLOOD is NOT thicker than water. And water runs dry quick! Over the last year I have had many struggles just like everyone else has. But, I think as I become older I am no longer blind to what people do.

As many of you may or may not know I grew up in a "broken" home. A place where love was far and few in-between. My dad, an alcoholic most my life, struggled on a daily bases with his addiction. I saw as a young girl things I shouldn't have seen. Heard things I shouldn't have heard. My mom on the other hand as I got older struggled with a drug addiction. While my dad became unaware of most things he cared about, so did my mom. Day to day it was a chore to love each other. The more their addiction took hold of their spirit and soul, the more they became vacant toward each other.

After I was put into foster care and my family split up. We were adopted by my now mom, Priscilla. What a wonderful and amazing soul. :)
I found different ways of dealing with my own demons in my life. Never turning to drugs or alcohol for comfort. I knew what they could do to me. I guess I was really at a loss for words when it came to people who were doing drugs. I put it off as a "Yeah, they can change if they really wanted to!" "They haven't tried hard enough." Judging all the while.

After nine years of not talking to my dad, I did. I called him on my 18th birthday. We met at a small cafe for breakfast. We sat and cried as he told me how beautiful I had become. How I looked so grown up, but still his baby girl. How proud of me he was. How sorry he was for hurting me as a kid. As the days and months passed we talked more and more about his change. About how he had been sober for 9 years! But that it would always be a struggle. I understood it would be, it was his out, his way of life for a long time. Until last year... Everything for the both of us changed. DRASTICALLY.


Over the course of our newly founded relationship, we would talk on a daily basis. Around September I hadn't heard from my dad for a couple weeks, I found it odd that he didn't call. I tried calling and texting. No reply. After much thought, I put it off as 'life gets busy and so it's nothing big'. Until I got a call from his girlfriend stating that he was doing okay physically. Random thing to say. I called back only to hear the thing I had dreaded the most!!!!! My dad had started drinking... My heart was broke, my chest felt heavy, and I had no words. I sobbed silently on the phone while I listened to him mumble all the thing I heard him say as a kid. The more he spoke, the more I became less sad, and more angry. Angry because HOW COULD HE DO SUCH A THING?!?! WHY??? I couldn't wrap my brain around what his thoughts were at the time. Why he would decide to just start up out of no where. I was frantic, and sick. I had to see my dad and tell him that I loved him, and that I was here. No matter what.
I guess I didn't realize the impact the visit we had effected me. I knew he would be drinking, but I was older now, I had dealt with my issues, what would be the big deal? My friend Cami took me to his house.
When I walked through the door I could smell the liquor. Like I had just walked into a night club. It was hot and thick. My heart started to pound as I started to remember all the things that hurt me when I was a kid. Tears started to stream from my eyes as my dad asked me "Can I drink in front of you?" His hands and body shook vigorously while he opened the can of beer. I tried hard to regain my composure. Still heart broken I sat in front of my dad. Me, being 21 years old trying to convince my 44 year old father this wasn't the way of life. It was almost impossible to talk to him while he was in the state of mind he was in. I pleaded with him to stop. He promised he had only been drinking for 2 weeks, and that it would be easy to stop.
After what seemed like a life time I could no longer stay, we said our goodbyes, I hugged and kissed him. As  Cami and I drove away I wondered if my dad doesn't get the help he needed, this time would he die? A few days later he checked himself into detox. I was beyond ecstatic! Still unable to sleep at night or stomach any kind of food, I went to see my dad. If he couldn't be strong for himself, I was making DAMN sure he had someone who could be. I walked into the building with my heart full of high hopes, ready to kick this addictions ass! :) We talked about why he started again. What made him not want to care anymore. Everything he was hurting over. The more I heard him talk, the more I wanted to leave. We made it a short visit. We hugged. Before I got into my car a talked to someone who told me my dad had been drinking for TWO years. My dad had lied yet again and I was so hurt. I blasted my music on the drive home. I bawled my eyes out. After a long road and many months later, I am happy to say my dad is clean. Doing much better. :)

But I come to everyone with much more sad news, someone else I love dearly has the same problem. Only his addiction? Drugs. I can't say that his family is taking it well. Everyone is hurt by him. Or by the things he's done. His heart is good. His intentions are NOT so good right now. He knows this. His family and friends know this.

Tonight I saw a lot about people that leave me heart broken. A lot of things were said to me that I can't even being to explain how they made me feel, other than, I am trying hard not to REALLY hard not to listen, and oh how I want more than ever to not hear.


Until I have something else to write about...
Love Everyone! The hurt, broken, and sad ones. The struggling, torn, and mad ones!
But don't ever allow someone to take away from you. :)

-Shannon