Hope

This is a blog I did two years ago...
Hopefully it'll help one of you that reads it. :)


There are a million things I want to get off my mind. But I don't know how to just say how I feel. Kinda stupid because this is just a blog.
I'm starting to realize that I have no clue what life is about. And the older I get the more I fear for this world. For the future of my son.
How can we live in a world that's so nasty and horrible. But when you sit and stare at all the beautiful things we have, be overwhelmed with joy because of all the amazing things? Makes no sense.
As for love, I really believe that love has lost it's meaning over time, we say "I love you" to make someone else feel better. Both times I have fallen in love, I really believed that it was love. But how can love be hurt? Or lies? How can love be planning a life with someone only to tell them, "Oh you know what... yea.. about that, Just kidding!" I swear the next time I fall in love, it's going to be amazing! I don't know why when we think positive things the outcome is almost always opposite. And when we think negative, it always turns out negative? I guess that just proves that we as humans, attract negative energy. Why does love have to be something we toss around like it's nothing. To get sex, or for that feel good moment with another? Why do we have to throw in the word "love"? Making love is far differant then having sex. You don't have to tell every girl or guy that you love them just to have sex with them for 2 or 3 weeks and leave. I don't think people who play these games understand that it kills the person they do it to. I have been told "I love you" by two men who I really was in love with. One planned to have a life with me. We planned a baby, a wedding. But I guess when things get a little crazy, you up and left. Which makes no sense what-so-ever. If you really love somone you love them through the good and bad. And you help eachother out.
And the other man? Who really knows how he feels. Seriously? I have no idea why he keeps dragging me along side of him through all of this and I just sit and wait for things to happen. I know he lies to me, and yet I sit waiting faithfully for him.
I guess that just makes me as stupid or more stupid then them. Because I sat and waited for them. Why do people wait even after they know they are being lied to? Stepped on?
I guess just proves saying "I love you" to someone keeps them there longer even after they step on you and hurt you.
I've always wanted a love that makes you feel good, Everyday! Like the love you find in a book, or hear in a song. Maybe you even see it on T.V. Fairytale love? I believe that's what it's called. Very few you find those who have stayed together, till they die. You know why those people stay together? Because they really loved that person they said "I love you" to. Simple right? But so complex at the same time. Love isn't just a feeling, or a thought. It's actions, words, it's everything you think of feel for that certin someone. How you treat them behind closed doors, how you love them when things get hard. How no matter what they look like, or say, or do at one point (besides cheating or lying all the time) you still love them. Because no matter what. You fell in love with that person. That's real love. Love that you can't put a word to, when love seems so small of a word to express how you feel. Believe me I have loved with my whole heart. With everything that I had at one point. When my heart felt like it was going to explode when I was with them. When I looked at that person, they had no flaws. Because they were perfect to me. You hear people say "Never leave the person you love, for the person you like, because the person you like will leave you for the person they love."
I think the hardest thing for me, is having to move on, even though you don't want to. When all you want is that one person. But what can you do? Hold on to their leg and have them drag you on? No, you have to move on, even when they are everything you have ever wanted. Easier said then done. Believe me I understand, just remember, you're beautiful, and life goes on. Sorta cheesy, but true.

"You never know what you have till it's gone."